Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

How I’d get arrested…

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there