Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag