Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.