Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

This came to me in a dream.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac