I’m sorry my dollar isn’t straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.
There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.
every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper “are you mining bitcoin you little shit”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If no amount of evidence will ever change your mind on an issue, then as Einstein said: “You’ve been given a large brain by mistake.”
Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?