Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please