@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

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@TheMichaelRock

I’m sorry my dollar isn’t straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.

@rebrafsim

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

@Trudacious

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

@Miss_Firefly_

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

@nuttywhippet

There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.

@marrowing

every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper “are you mining bitcoin you little shit”

@SteveSuckington

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

@Eoisit

If no amount of evidence will ever change your mind on an issue, then as Einstein said: “You’ve been given a large brain by mistake.”

@boring_as_heck

Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect

@TheWidowmakerX

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?