Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

Ugh but profoundly

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car