Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

go easy on yourself <3

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Me: *no longer going in for a kiss* I’m so sorry, I think I misread this scenario

My driving instructor: no worries brother

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.