Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
You Might Also Like
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.