Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

Need WebMD

Tell the colonel to bring it

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’