Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

*jingles half the way*

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.