KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
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JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.