Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.