Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
That’s fair
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?