Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
