Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?