Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.