Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.