Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
