Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother