Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

I’m not stressed

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row