Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Green is just blue that someone peed in

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet