kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
this isn’t threatening at all
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind