kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
You Might Also Like
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying