Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

So the ex texted me

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Why am I like this?

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Inside you there are two wolves

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles