kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn