After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You Might Also Like
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah