You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle