Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

OKAY DAD

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.