Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?