Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
We’ve all been there
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
This line from Airplane.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over