Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

@funTweeters

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.