Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take