Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.