Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

who called it hell and not heaven’t

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.