Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
This did not end as expected.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad