Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

Okay me first

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Yes, this is exactly right

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME