Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

That de-escalated quickly