Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
no refunds
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident