Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Jesus Christ lmao

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.