Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.