Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*