Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Worlds greatest photobomb

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Morning all.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…