Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

It’s actually Dr. whatever

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.