Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man