Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.