13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
You Might Also Like
Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science