Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
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At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.