@QwertyJones3

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

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@CrockettForReal

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

@ksecaw

Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it

@handsock_butts

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

@1Happytwit

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

@susie_qsie

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

@TheTweetOfGod

Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

@TweetPotato314

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

@Megatronic13

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.