Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

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