KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
So glad we cleared that up
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My favorite female superhero
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.