Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
