look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
You Might Also Like
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*