@pittdave13

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

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@ryanyeetz

look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved

@thestinkerbell_

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

@MarlonBrandNO

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

@Mr_Kapowski

Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*