Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.