Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Woke up against my better judgment again
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
