Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*