Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.