Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet