Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*