KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
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The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.