*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?