Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Follow me for more fitness tips.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

house sitting!