Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with