*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them