Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Worlds greatest photobomb

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

sleeping beauty

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!