KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
You Might Also Like
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Asking the real questions!
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
throat sock season is upon us.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.