Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.