Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

At ease

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Ghost costume 😂

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.