Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me