Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
