Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing