Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
You Might Also Like
Simple enough.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Lmaoo 😂
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.