Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*