Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.