Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

step 6: release the wall snake

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

A double negative is a big no-no.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

💀😭

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.