Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thoughts?

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.