Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
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1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*