Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
You Might Also Like
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up