Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

Happens to everyone.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.