Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.