Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes